Reborn in Melbourne

I have re-emerged  from the dusty, red and rugged Outback and returned to - literally - a land of Victorian civilization: Marvelous Melbourne.  Talk about Australian contrast.  My stay in Alice Springs was a brief one, and I was actually rather happy have it behind me. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone but a bootlegger or thief.  Read on...

From Kings Canyon, the two-hour bus ride through the flat, arid desert was agonizingly and unnecessarily long.  Even though the distance from the canyon to "Alice" (as they Australians call it) is only a smidgeon over 60 miles, the government requires that passenger vans and busses must travel at a moderately slow speed (approximately 40 miles per hour) even though the "truckies" are allowed to drive at a considerably faster pace.  It seemed mighty unfair to me.

The driver, whose name was "Shorty", was not certainly not short in the jaw-jacking department.  I swear, he talked non-stop the entire trip from start to finish.  At one point, I honestly considered getting up, tapping him on the shoulder, and saying, "Could you kindly give it a REST, mate?"  It was really "getting up my nose"- an Aussie expression I'm exporting back to the U.S. and using for sure.

Shorty did have some interesting facts to share along the way (the ones I didn't tune out), so it wasn't all bad.  He told of how it was important to get to Alice before sundown since no one wants to be caught dead (literally) on the highway due to potentially-fatal camel and kangaroo accidents after dark. And sure enough, caravans and motor homes were beginning to pull off the road into safe locations as dusk began to shroud the desert. He also told some funny and amazing stories. 

One of my favorites (and sadly there were TOO many to choose from) told of how the Australian government in the mid-1800s began the Overland Telegraph system. It took almost a year to install 36,000 poles to run from Adelaide north to Darwin right through the Red Center, but the wood they initially chose was prone to termites, and within months most of them had rotted and were falling down.  So they re-poled the whole line again (another 36,000 of them) with a newer, stronger and taller type of wood- which was more susceptible to lightning strikes, and the system failed a second time.  At last, after devastation and failure, they installed a third set of metal poles and were finally successful. That's the Aussie determination and grit I've come to love.

Finally, after hearing about every, minute detail of every shrub we past, every rock that passed us by, and every possible historic event that happened in-by-inch along the route (rolling my eyes in retrospect), we arrived in Alice Springs- and  thankfully just after dark, too.  Shorty warned us that it was not a safe place to be after nightfall.  I noticed 7-foot fences around all the residences and business in town and asked if was to keep the kangaroos, wallabies and lizards out bounds, and he reported that unfortunately they were installed to keep the criminals out.  Apparently, Alice is not a Wonderland.  It is rampant with crime.

The hotel in which I had the (mis)pleasure of staying for one night was a bit rough around the edges.  They put me on the second floor, which wasn't a problem until I realized there was no elevator. Trying to lug my luggage up the concrete staircase (two bags, the largest of which must weigh at least 180 pounds or more) was excruciating, one step at a time (with breathers in between).  It took several, long minutes to ascend. The craziest thing of all- the reception desk shuts down completely at 8:00 p.m.!  I went down to the reception office to inquire about a few urgent matters around 8:10, but there was a sign on the door: "Back at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow".  What hotel in the whole world does THAT?!  Apparently, we were just all on our own for the rest of the night. Geez. I was not impressed with Miss Alice one bit.

Luckily, the bed was extremely comfortable, and I didn't have to meet my limo for transfer to the airport until 10:30 (YEA!!!), so that allowed me my first, full, 8-hour night's sleep in what seemed like eons.  I slept like a baby.

Flying from Alice to my next and final stay in Australia - Melbourne - was a relative snap.  The entertainment video screen for my seat had a little, yellow tag labeled "Inoperative" on it (my bet it was the only one on the plane, thank you, Qantas!), so I finally opened up a book I'd brought with me on the trip thinking it would be a great way to pass the time.  Five pages into it and my eyelids started to get heavy, and I drifted off to sleep.  Happens to me every time; it must be why I'm not much of a reader. My next memory is of the captain telling the flight crew to prepare for landing.

Flying into Melbourne was surreal.  Perhaps it was because I was still waking from that two-hour snooze, but I could have *sworn* I was flying into Seattle.  I felt like I was dreaming. Same size, same skyline, same weather, same green lushness, same on-a-big-bay location, foothills in the distance.  The two cities look identical!  It made me homesick suddenly.

Another seamless connection to my hotel with a comparably-talkative driver (Shorty still takes the cake), and I get to the Ibis Melbourne Hotel where I am given the keys a beautifully-appointed, four-room, luxury suite (with a tub!), a king-size bed with crisp, white linens stretched so tightly there isn't a wrinkle in them and two televisions.  It is restorative heaven for this up-to-now weary wanderer. 

I am shaving my beard, which is scraggly, long, ratty and entirely overdue for a trim.  I am luxuriating in as many soaks as I can for the duration here.  I have no insanely-early rises for two whole days, so I plan on sleeping IN for a second and third time. Tonight, I am going to dine on Italian or Greek cuisine in the many fine restaurants that they say can be found in this cosmopolitan and modern city.  At last, I can launder some clothes! I am going to peel off the layer of exhaustion that has clung to me like a second skin through the first two phases of my amazing Australian adventure. 

I will be a completely new man after my stay here in Melbourne. I will be rejuvenated, rehydrated, exfoliated and totally reborn before I become repatriated in the next two days.